Parenting Duties: Determining Who Does What Without Losing Your Mind (Or Your Marriage)

Parenting’s supposed to be a team sport, right? But sometimes it feels like you’re taking it all on yourself. In fact, sharing responsibility equally is one of the most common parenting challenges and can be hard to get right.

The good news is, we’re here to help you understand everything that goes into the mental load and parenting tiny humans. And, we’ll give you actionable strategies for sharing parenting responsibilities (without every convo turning into a fight). Let’s build a parenting partnership that works—for both of you.

The Mental Load of Parenting: Why Balance Matters

Parenting is full of physical challenges. Does wrestling a toddler into their clothes while balancing a little one on the hip sound familiar? But there’s also the unseen burden, known as the mental load.

What is the invisible mental load? It’s all the behind the scenes planning, managing, and organizing that goes with school activities, play dates, sports, and more that isn’t talked about, but has to be done simultaneously with running a household and parenting. Feels like you’re always on duty, doesn’t it?

The load feels even heavier when it’s split unfairly between parents. Resentment and burnout often follow. So, how do you solve this problem?The answer — develop a plan for dividing household responsibilities fairly between partners to reset the balance and strengthen your relationship.

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The Common Pitfalls of Dividing Parenting Responsibilities

In an ideal world, parenting duties would be split equally between partners. But there are some common pitfalls that mean this often doesn’t happen.

University of Chicago parenting researcher Dr. Ariel Kalil explains, “A lot of the division of labor at home really is sort of gender-normed.

“Gender norms are among the most powerful norms there are and that carries over into the household, even among younger generations. We see them very prominently in parenting and the division of labor at home. I mean, it’s something sociologists have been studying for decades, and they haven’t really figured out how to change those norms.”

In fact, research shows that, on average, mothers spend 61 hours per week on childcare, while fathers contribute only 45 hours.
Studies also reveal that women often experience a “double burden”, balancing full-time employment with a disproportionate share of household responsibilities.

“Keeping score” can be another pitfall. Instead of working together as a team, parents may fall into the trap of mentally logging what they’ve done compared to their partner. While it’s tempting to do while you’re tired and stressed, this is a sure path to resentment.

And sometimes it’s tempting to say, “I’ll just do it myself.” While this provides a short-term fix, this strategy leads to negativity and burnout in the long term.

The Key to Fairly Splitting Parenting Duties

So, how do you share the parenting load? 

Poppins child development and parenting expert Dr. Chloe Massey believes that while one parent often carries more of the "mental load", through intentional communication and clear division of tasks, parents can more equitably share household responsibilities.

Talk It Out

The first step to creating a more equitable division of labor? You and your partner need to get on the same page about everything that goes into running a household and what you need from each other. Dr. Massey recommends using the following tactics to facilitate these conversations:

• Schedule regular sit-downs to discuss and divide tasks
• Create shared to-do lists, including the task and the hidden unseen planning that goes along with it
• Be explicit about expectations and responsibilities

Experts emphasize that open discussions about the division of labor, with clear expectations, are essential for achieving a fair and effective division of parenting duties. The “who does what” conversation is your starting point to reaching this harmony. This is mandatory—not optional. If you don’t talk about expectations, you could be resenting your partner for something that they don’t even know you wanted them to do.

Use the "Fair Play" Approach

The “Fair Play” approach, created by Eve Rodsky, encourages partners to assign complete ownership of specific tasks. According to Dr. Massey, "An example of Fair Play would be that if you own birthday parties, then you own everything about the birthday parties... from buying the gift to selecting the wrapping paper to creating the card with your kid, to remembering to take the gift to the party."

Play to Each Other’s Strengths

Another useful strategy is to play to each parent’s strengths while staying flexible. If Dad is the more enthusiastic cook, then he can take responsibility for this chore. But that doesn’t mean that Mom can’t whip up a delicious dish once in a while!

How to Have the “Who Does What” Conversation (Without Fighting)

If you’re wondering how to get started , Dr. Kalil suggests the following: 

"The first step is that parents need to say, 'Hey, how are we dividing our parenting time?' Then take stock of what a typical day looks like for each parent and discuss if you could trade off. Ask questions like, 'How about you handle this task on certain days?' or 'Let's alternate who takes the kids to school each week.'"

Use your discussion to identify priorities and non-negotiables. You can even use a task audit to see the real workload for each partner in black and white.

Practical Strategies for Sharing Parenting Duties

Need some help with dividing up parenting duties? We’ve got you covered! Try one or more of the following tactics: 

The Checklist

Start with a mental load checklist where you identify the tasks that need doing. Then assign them accordingly. In this way, you “divide and conquer” the parenting burden.

Trading Off

Another strategy is the trade-off system. With this approach, parents alternate responsibilities, taking turns doing each of the household or parenting chores to ensure fair division of labor.

Time Blocking

Incorporate time-blocking into your parenting plan. This ensures that both parents get essential downtime to reset and recharge.

Teamwork Approach

And for those high-stress moments, try a teamwork approach where you face the battle united against those little tyrants! Having a hard time dealing with the latest tantrum, mom? Time to tag in Dad.

When In Doubt—Outsource

Finally, don’t be martyrs. There’s no shame in outsourcing when you can to make the burden easier—don’t kill yourselves over household chores or picking the kids up from school. Can’t afford to hire help? Reach out to family, friends, and neighbors—they weren’t kidding when they said it takes a village!

Making It Work in Real Life: Common Scenarios

As part of your planning, consider these real-life common scenarios:

• Morning madness. Decide who handles breakfast, packing bags, and drop-offs. If one parent is more of a “morning person,” then this area could naturally fall to them.
• Bedtime battles. What about nighttime responsibilities? You could allocate this task to the parent who is home earlier in the evening. Or alternate it so both parents experience the highs and lows of bedtime.
• Sick days and unexpected chaos. Adjusting on the fly can be a tricky one, especially if both parents are working. If this is the case, try sharing the parenting load equally if you can. Maybe one parent can go into work early and get home early, and the other parent hops online. Or take it in turns to take a day off. Sometimes it’s easier to focus on your sick kid than juggling work as well—that’s a surefire way to burnout.
• Weekends and free time. To avoid burnout and resentment, work on finding the balance between family and personal time. Each partner should have some downtime to help them reconnect with their non-parenting selves and recharge their batteries.

Keeping the System Fair and Flexible

So, you’ve worked out a system of sharing parental duties. But it’s not set in stone. Keep it fair and flexible by reviewing how it’s working every so often and making changes when things feel off-balance. You can do this by:

• Scheduling regular check-ins with your partner
• Picking up extra chores without being asked when you see they need doing and you have the capacity
• Recognizing when your partner is overwhelmed and stepping in
• Speaking up if you need help with your to-do list

And don’t forget that other useful resource—your kids! Teach them to share household chores so they learn responsibility and equal partnership.

Dr. Kalil says, "Everyone pitches in, and it's not something you get paid to do. You do it because you're not a lazy child who doesn't do anything. You're perfectly capable of cleaning up your room and walking the dog and that's what you will do because everybody else in this house is working for the good of the family."

Final Thoughts: Creating a Parenting Partnership That Works

It sure is hard work keeping a family, relationship, and household going! But by implementing a fair system and reviewing it regularly, you can share the burden.

Take the first step by telling your partner that you want to have a conversation about the division of labor and who is responsible for what. Do it over lunch or Zoom—it doesn’t matter how, but it should be scheduled time.

Remember, fairness is an ongoing process, not a one-time fix. So, check in after one week, one month, or every now and then. You’ll probably find you’ll need these meetings less frequently once the communication gets going.

Balancing the parenting load brings a wealth of benefits for the whole family—teamwork makes the dream work, after all!

Poppins parent coaches can help you find that balance. Sign up to schedule a time to meet with a coach, and start sharing responsibilities in a way that works for both of you.