Why Are Parents So Stressed? Unpacking the Demands of Modern-Day Parenthood
Parenting is like a rollercoaster—full of highs and lows with plenty of laughter and tears (and unexpected surprises) along the way. Every day comes with unique challenges, and it’s exhausting for sure. No wonder modern parents are stressed out!
But here’s the thing: understanding why you’re a stressed parent is the first step to finding a calmer, more confident way to deal with your little tyrants. We’re here to help you make sense of the pressures and explain how to stop being a stressed parent.
Why Is Being a Parent So Stressful?
Modern parenting involves a whole bunch of responsibilities, with little respite. Let's be honest—sometimes it's downright brutal!
Overview of Modern Parenting Stress
Parenting today feels pretty tough. In addition to the day-to-day demands of caring for a child, many of us are also managing work and other responsibilities. The stress multiplies when life throws you a curveball—like your kid falls sick or your nanny no-shows.
To top it off, the cost of raising a child has gone up significantly, leaving parents with the added bonus of financial worries that can weigh heavily on a family. Add in the pressure of seeing “perfect” families on social media, and it’s no wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed and questioning your own parenting.
Today’s Parents Are Simply Doing More
Life as a parent has changed dramatically over the years. A University of California, Irvine study found that moms and dads spend up to twice as much time with their kids as they did 50 years ago.
Of course, it’s amazing that today’s parents are spending more time with their kids, but it comes with some notable downsides. In particular, many moms and dads are feeling torn between the demands of work and family life, with little time for themselves.
The Biggest Stressors Parents Face Today
Modern life is one crazy mix of stressors. It feels like a constant juggling act between responsibilities inside and outside the home, all of which can lead to parenting burnout.
Balancing Work, School, and Home Life
It feels like everyone wants a piece of you when you’re balancing the needs of work, school, and home life. The frustration grows when you feel like you’re not fulfilling any one of your responsibilities. In fact, you may well feel like screaming and running away from all of them! Rest assured, this is normal.
The Pressure of Social Media
How many times have you rolled your eyes at the latest “perfect parent” post on social media? They’re infuriating. There’s a clear link between parent social media use and stress and depression, so it’s no wonder they make you feel down.
The Cost of Bringing Up Children Today
The cost of raising kids in today’s world is another major source of stress. In 2022, over 50% of families spent 20% of their annual income on childcare alone. And in the highest cost states? Families are paying on average $36,000 per year in childcare - yikes! That’s more than most people’s mortgages.
The Village Feels Smaller than Ever
As the saying goes, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Yet the village feels smaller than ever as many modern families live far from support systems like grandparents and extended family.
How Societal Expectations Are Putting Parents Under the Spotlight
Societal expectations are adding to feelings of pressure and anxiety. At times, it feels like we’re all parenting under the spotlight, particularly with the use of social media.
Aiming for Perfection Leads to Burnout
Let’s face it - from social media to family expectations, it feels like there’s a spotlight on parents to be perfect. The reality? Not only is no one perfect, but striving to be can put a real strain on your mental health. Parents who aim for perfection or place lots of pressure on themselves are more likely to experience burnout, according to a 2021 study published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies.
The High-Quantity, Low-Quality Information Problem in Parenting
The amount of information on parenting and child development on the internet and social media is astounding. But that plethora of information is causing more problems for parents than it’s offering solutions. Poppins surveyed over 450 parents and found that parents spend at least an hour online searching for every parenting question that pops up. What’s surprising? Less than 25% felt the information they found was actually effective.
Working Parent vs. Stay-at-Home Parent Debates
The debate whether parents should stay at home with their kids or go out to work never goes away. Different setups work for different families, so it’s hard to know whether we’re making the “right” choice. Yet more pressure!
The Mental Load of Parenthood
Parenthood is physically hard—we’ve all got the bad backs and creaky knees to prove it. But what about the mental load? That’s a tough one too.
Emotional Labor: Planning, Worrying, and Decision-Making
“Emotional labor” is the stuff you do as a parent to manage your little one’s life—the organizing, planning, and making decisions. It’s relentless and often unseen.
How Invisible Work Leads to Burnout
This invisible work takes a toll on parents’ energy and can contribute to burnout. In many cases, women do the majority of unpaid domestic work with the pressures affecting maternal mental health.
Breaking the Cycle of Stress
Before we discuss potential solutions, let’s get real about the types of stress you may be dealing with at home. Poppins child development and parenting expert Dr. Massey breaks stress down into two distinct types: situational stress and chronic stress.
Situational Stress
Situational stress is temporary stress that comes with parenting’s greatest hits - think: potty training, sleep regression, illness, tantrums, etc. These stressors are tough in the moment but have an expiration date. The best tool to cope? Remembering that it is temporary and it will pass.
Chronic Stress
Chronic stress is long-term - raising a child with developmental delays, persistent sleep issues, financial strain, or one too many situational stresses piling up over time. When stress stops feeling like a phase and starts feeling like your new normal, that’s when it moves into chronic territory.
Knowing what kind of stress you’re dealing with is key—because different stress needs different solutions. Let’s get into it.
What Parents Need Most: Resources To Combat Stress
Families need resources and networks to help them break the cycle of stress. Some of these are informal. Others are more structured—and both types can contribute to improved parental well-being.
Accessing Affordable Childcare
Childcare costs have skyrocketed in recent years and parents are feeling the pressure. Unfortunately, there’s no magic fix to finding more affordable childcare. But one thing that does help? Building your village.
Dr. Massey puts it like this: "Community can be a big help. You need to actively seek friends, other parents, and put the effort into finding your people.” That means leaning on family and friends, swapping school pickup with other parents, and finding creative ways to share the load.
Mental Health Resources
Mental health support for parents is another much-needed resource. Initiatives such as helplines and community-based peer supporters can help take the strain and build parents' confidence.
Accessing mental health resources is particularly important for parents experiencing chronic stress or burnout. According to Dr. Massey, "Chronic stress can impact your mental health and the relationship with your kids, so you need to seek help if this is the case." If you feel like the stress in your life is never-ending, it’s time to talk to a professional.
Building Stronger Support Networks
Building stronger support networks is one way to lighten the mental load of parenthood. These networks can be informal—for example, a group of neighbors taking turns to babysit. They could also be more structured, such as early learning programs.
Giving Yourself Grace
Comparing yourself to those irritating “perfect parents” on social media is the path to anxiety and frustration. Instead, focus on what works best for your family. Give yourself the grace to be the parent you want to and can be.
Practical Tips to Help You Manage the Load
The parenting load can feel heavy, but following a few simple tips can help lighten it:
1. Set Boundaries and Prioritize Self-Care
You can’t pour from an empty cup, so be clear about what you can and can’t do. Try to schedule in some “me time” every day too.
2. Share Responsibilities with Your Partner or Community
It’s unrealistic to think you can do all the childcare yourself without burning out. Delegate tasks to your partner and other family members if you can.
3. Let Go of Perfection and Embrace “Good Enough” Parenting
No one is the ideal parent, no matter what social media tells us. Practicing “good enough” parenting takes the pressure off and frees you to enjoy family life more.
4. Reparent Yourself
This is about meeting needs that weren’t met during your childhood and involves new ways of managing your daily life. A parent coach or therapist can help you with this.
5. Work with a Parenting Coach
Parenting coaches can teach you strategies to enhance your parenting and help you take care of yourself too.
Reach Out for More Confident Parenting
Raising a child is probably the most challenging thing you’ll do in your life, so of course you’re going to struggle at times.
The important thing to understand is that you are not alone. Don’t be afraid to get help from your support network, community, or parenting professionals. You show up for your kid so why not show up for yourself by reaching out? It’s the first step to calmer and more confident parenting and a balanced family life.
